It is with regret that we announce that lovable TV hunk Mr Muscle has today, taken his own life.
Mr Muscle, real name Malcolm McMuscle, took his own life in the early hours of the morning by drinking Mr Muscle Sink and Drain Unblocker. He revealed in a suicide note written on a shower curtain that he has been holding in a dark secret for years that ultimately destroyed him.
The note read:
“I’m so ashamed of myself. I have lived a lie for far too long. I’m sorry, but I don’t love the jobs you hate. I really don’t. I hate them too. I let my wife, Gladys McMuscle, do the cleaning and then I take all the credit. I have made millions by the pure fluke that my surname embodies the word muscle, but I am not strong like my alter ego: I am weak.”
“I’m also a ladies man and have a gambling addiction to Candy Crush Saga. I’m a fraud, a charlatan and a coward. Goodbye, cruel world. I leave my four holiday homes to my long suffering but beautiful wife Gladys, and my yearly supply of thick bleach to Battersea dogs home.”
Gladys was unavailable for comment but to be fair, she’s got her work cut out cleaning all those holiday homes, which are pretty substantial in size.
Gladys selfie 2014
Battersea dogs home don’t really need that much bleach, and would rather have had the holiday homes. They are currently in talks with Gladys to swap the holiday home in Caernarfon for a quart of bleach. They’re not hopeful.
Rest in peace, Mr Muscle.