“Times are hard,” he told cynical journalists outside Number 10 this morning. “Tough decisions have to be made, and we can no longer bomb in the way that we used to. Instead of using traditional exploding bombs in Syria, we are going to use the UK’s surplus homeless people (in no way our fault). Basically, we’re just going to wrap them in squibs and fire them from trebuchets.
“It will work fine. We’ve got some medieval siege engine scholars in, the wood’s quite cheap, and the only impact noticed by the general public will be a higher proportion of empty shop doorways in the morning. Deep down you’ll all be glad, and you’ll bury the last remaining vestige of your soul along with your tiny half-formed yelps of protest and carry on with your lives like before.”
Some Labour MPs reacted with fury, while some didn’t. Some didn’t know what to be more angry about, because they disagreed with the idea of bombing people to death in the first place. While some others screamed with the pain of cognitive dissonance and split into two small fully-formed labour MPs, each one independently capable of having the opposite opinions from the other.
We’re sure the Lib Dems said something, but no one’s reporting it.
Our sources reveal that the military secretly fears the new weapons will be useless. Our sources also reveal that their concerns have been roundly ignored by Downing Street. The campaign starts soon.