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Horror Fan Requests Refund After Spending Night Alone in Woods and Surviving

Horror movie fan Betty Jones today released the following strongly worded Twitter tirade:

“Seriously, I spent the night camping in the woods. My mobile didn’t lose its signal once. There were no killers on the prowl. No strange noi”

It seems that she ran out characters there, but we get the gist. We were hoping for her sake that she’d been been attacked by a zombie baby or a merman at that point, but then she continued:

“ses.”

In yet another exclusive interview to thescepticalpoet (We get a lot of those, don’t we? Must be because we’re ace), Betty said:

“I’m 42, I’ve been watching horror films my whole life. I love them, but I’m sick of being lied to. No one has ever once cut my phone wire just as I’m telephoning the police, my lights have always come on when I flick the switch, and I’ve never once got my hand stuck in the garbage disposal in the sink. I’ve also never answered my door to find no one there, and I’ve never had anyone come back from the dead and I’m a nurse, I should know. And whilst I’m on the subject, I’ve never seen a doll come to life, I’ve never been chased down a dark alley by a ghostly figure and I’m sad to say that whenever I’ve hidden under my bed, not once has anyone ever pulled me back out by my feet. I’ve met up with internet strangers in parks late at night, I’ve played the tart and I’ve taken candy from strangers, but still, nothing. Not once have I ever been attacked by a loner with mummy dearest issues or a vengeful Japanese spirit. Not once I ever been skinned alive or chased down the road in my inappropriately see-through nighty. Not once. I want my proverbial money back.”

Unfortunately for Betty, she was squished by a bus in broad daylight on the way home from this rather insightful interview. We’re unsure as to whether she came back for one last scare or not, but we wish her well in the afterlife, where hopefully she’s been reunited with the love of her life, Pinhead.

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