Black Friday has been officially designated as a washout after almost no-one turned out to shop because they didn’t want to pay five pence for carrier bags.
Many high street stores have recorded record losses, while A & E departments did not have the anticipated number of bumped heads and sprained wrists and ankles.
“See!” said a spokesperson for Primark. “Plastic bag charges are bad! Saving the environment is bad! We don’t even use plastic bags, but people still didn’t turn up. Just look at all these fucking leggings we’ve still got to sell!”
Anti-consumerist campaigners have been ecstatic about what will probably be their only victory ever.
“Take that, capitalist scum!” said jubilant leftie comedian John Iron.
Stores have promised to take measures against the carrier bag charge in time for next year’s Black Friday.
“Boxes,” said Irene from Debenhams. “We’re going to have lots and lots of boxes. You can’t tax cardboard. Can you?”
“We’re just going to make everything lighter,” said Sandra of H&M.
Pete from Tesco head office simply shrugged and said:
“Just bring your own fucking bags.”