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Buffy the Vampire Slayer Admits She’s Scared of the Dark


Buffy Anne Summers, AKA the wisecracking demon destroyer  Buffy the Vampire Slayer, has gone on record this week to confess that she is still afraid of the dark:

“Give me an evil vampire to stake or a demon to slay, and I’m a brave little toaster. On the other hand, if I have to get up in the night to pee, that walk past the landing window to the bathroom absolutely terrifies me. I can never find the light switch and the others won’t let me leave it on all night on the grounds that, ‘It’s like Blackpool Illuminations in here as it is’. It doesn’t help that they sing Iron Maiden’s Fear of the Dark at me as I’m getting ready for bed.”

“I’m portrayed as this big kick ass superhero on telly, but what my fans don’t know is that everything is filmed in broad day light and edited in post production to make it look like night time. Joss Whedon made me try counselling, but the sessions were at 5pm so I couldn’t go once the dark nights set in. I’ve even tried eating shit loads of carrots and nothing else. That why I’m so skeletal in Season 6, but they didn’t make me see in the dark, not in the slightest, they just made me faint with weakness and hunger. I’m even terrified of cinemas. Once the lights go down, I scream like a girl. And I avoid any journeys that involve going through a tunnel. Spike tried to get me to go on the Tunnel of Love once and I literally wee-d myself in the middle of the theme park. It wasn’t a pretty sight. I’m only coming clean now because I’m retired and don’t have to kill things for a living anymore. I work mornings in a library now. It’s been quite a cross to bear: I’m 34 now and I still sleep with Mr Gordo and the light on… “


The Sceptical Poet would like to take this opportunity to confirm that despite his blanky, he is most definitely not, in any way shape or form also nyctophobic.

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