“I just can’t keep being a horrible shit 24/7. Sometimes I need a break, to be kind for five minutes. Pat a dog on the head or something.”
These were the words of strike leader Ian Duncan Smith last night, speaking to a packed room of disgruntled Tories. He went on to say:
“It’s hard to be so soulless all the time. Like lots of you, I’ve been doing this for years. Tradition mandates that we have to be the country’s villians. But these kinds of hours are inhuman: I’ve got nothing left to give. No-one can be horrrible all the time. We all have weak moments. Only yesterday, I felt a small but unmistakeable pang of guilt over my latest shafting of innocent human beings. It can’t go on like this.”
Prime Minister David Cameron responded angrily:
“The country needs nasty bastards. It’s the job of Conservatives to fulfill that need. They can’t go on strike. The country would stop to a standstill. Where will all our money come from if nobody’s cutting essential public spending?
“At the end of the day, they have a job to do. So do it!”
The strike was perhaps inevitable given recent lapses of public kindness by Tory ministers.
Jeremy Hunt was recently caught by an accidentally turned on microphone apologising to a doctor. While George Osborne was reputedly spotted giving 20p to a homeless person and saying: “Shh! Don’t tell anyone.”
Even David Cameron recently surprised people by complaining about his own public spending cuts, leading people to believe that he secretly sympathises with the strikers and even might have some shallow knowledge of the impact of his hideous decisions on the general public.
Cameron denies this:
“I can assure you that I am as mean as they come. The only thing that differentiates me from Thatcher is a couple of decades, a worse hair cut and a lack of a satirical puppet. Now, I wonder if there’s any countries I can find an excuse to bomb?”