According to a new survey by Radio 4, 92% of the British public believe that the UK’s borders should be permanently closed. This sudden increase in anti-immigration fervour has been traced back to recent events – namely rumours that TV barnacle James Corden might return from the US.

“You’ve got to keep him out,” said Brenda from North Wales. “We don’t want him here, with his bleating voice and his public tantrums. First it will be him, then it will be Vinnie Jones, then Piers Morgan. It will all end in tears.”

Londoner John agreed:

“America wanted him. They can bloody well keep him.”

Corden, currently a big success on US TV presenting some bollocks, hinted in an interview with English journalist Barton Mashir that he missed living permanently in England.

“I miss chips,” he said.

The interview went viral.

“It was terrifying,” said Mashir. “I had to warn the public right away. He just mentioned it out of the blue, calm as anything. It shouldn’t be allowed. Keep him out, I say.”

Parliament are currently debating air strikes on US targets such as airports and television transmitters. PM David Cameron called it a ‘national security issue’.

English hotels have been warned to hide the ‘sherbet fountains’ in case he visits. We don’t know what this is code for.