School curriculums in England and Wales (but definitely not Scotland because they can sink or swim on their own from now on, we don’t give a shit) are set for a massive revamp.

Starting from the next September intake of rebellious modern day foul mouthed bairns, school classrooms will be divided. One half of the room will be painted pink with pink curtains and pink chairs for the girls, and the other half blue, for the boys. Previous seating allocations of surname in a boy girl, boy girl fashion will be abolished. Instead, children will sit according to their assigned birth colours and BMIs.

The head of Schooling and Education, Dr Whip Lashings BA hons, BSc, PGCE and PhD told a press conference earlier today:

“Society is degenerating. Women are no longer staying home and looking after the babies. They want careers, a life and a bottle of booze. Men are forced to take a hands on role with the children. They are expected to do night feeds, shopping, and dish washing. It’s clearly unnatural for a man to do these things much in the same way as it is for a woman to put a shelf up. We must get back to a more traditional society. We can no longer be seen to encourage this gender neutral society that has sprung up in recent years. Woman need to know their place (the kitchen) and men, theirs (the workplace). This is the only viable option we can see to get polite society back.

“So, the pinks will wear a pink uniform and be taught sewing, hearty meal cookery, and nappy changing with baby Annabel. The blues, in their blue blazers, will be taught electronics, fist fighting and the difference between a pozi head screwdriver and the other type.”

Responses have been mixed, but mostly in favour of the return to ‘good old fashioned family values’.

The Demon Headmaster, whose school piloted the idea, posted on Twitter:

“Wow, this is even better than my idea of hypnotising all the little bastards. Well done to whichever evil fucker thought this up.”

On a lighter note, has anyone seen my wench? My undies need washing, and I need a beer and a greasy kebab.