ET has gone on record this week to confirm the rumours that he is, in fact, Jesus Christ.

Speaking exclusively to the wonderful Scepticpoet, he revealed:

“I’m a little miffed that no one has ever noticed before, save for the odd college student and their pretentious media studies essays. I’m a bit lonely now and I’d really like some attention. I’ve hinted to my true lineage before, what with the whole dying and rising again thing, in that rubbish documentary they made about me called ET the Extra Terrestrial. And who do you think started all those ‘rumours’ that Jesus is an alien? I did. I showed you my coming back from the dead, and I told you that Jesus is really from another planet, and you still didn’t click on.

“I’m a single alien, alone in a world I don’t belong and Christmas is tough on single folk. Everyone celebrates in my name, but not one of you so-called believers visits or phones or even writes a shitty email. Instead, I sit at home, alone on Christmas Day with my TV dinner, watching the beyond miserable Eastenders special about dead children and three-legged cats. I sob my little alien heart out when the Christmas care line number comes streaming across the bottom of the screen. I have no one to love. No one to cuddle at night. My mother was right, I am selfish for not having children.”

We felt a bit bad for ET at this point and invited him round to ours for Christmas dinner this year. He promises to eat all his sprouts.