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Atheists Accused of Stealing Santa

Atheists and humanists have gone on record this week to talk about the abuse they suffer during the Christmas period. Incidents of abuse, colloquially known as Santa Slamming, have been growing over the past decade. Atheist Jesse told us:

“I took my kids to see Father Christmas and the next thing I knew, a nosy neighbour had pushed a note though my door. It said that I should be ashamed of myself for just stealing the best bits of her religion whilst ignoring all the really important goddy stuff.

“Then, two days later, as I was out delivering Christmas cards to my other, slightly less irritating neighbours, she heckled me and told me that I was a hypocrite for sending a card with a star on it, as that was symbolic of something I didn’t believe in. I tried to explain that it’s nice to have a week off work and spend time with loved ones, so yes, in a way I did take the best bits, but the bits I left behind are mostly pagan anyway, so shut the fuck up. The police arrived at that point and arrested me.”

And it’s not just at Christmas either. We spoke to Mo about his experience in April trying to buy an easter egg in Home Bargains:

“The cashier asked me to prove I believed in the resurrection of Christ. I said I didn’t, I just wanted to buy an egg in the shape of some yummy chocolate. I was escorted out of the shop whilst fourteen people yelled ‘hypocrite’ at me.”

Support groups are being set up to help victims of Santa Slamming, and MPs are debating the issue in parliament this week.

It’s been suggested by focus groups that in order to partake in the fun bits of Christmas – such as over-priced gifts, reindeers and mince pies – then non-believers must also convert to full on believerness (they can revert back after the holidays period as long as they convert again for the next festival, and so on).

“Santa Slamming is at an all time high,” said police officer, Jo. “It’s just easier if we make everyone convert to the same religion, so I think we should just ban everything other than Christianity. It’s just easier for us to police it that way. If you want to do a Secret Santa, or put up a glittery tree, you’d need to sign a document that professes you to be a fully fledged believer. No more should these cheeky humanists and atheists be allowed to steal the best bits of my religion and leave me with all the shite. No more”.

One comment on “Atheists Accused of Stealing Santa

  1. Christmas should be a ‘safe zone’ from micro-aggression. Let’s have a riot to let everyone know we don’t feel safe anymore.


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