Dorian Gray has announced that he feels even more pressure to stay young and fit after the success of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Speaking befuddled and confused from a nursing home in South Shields, Dorian told The Sceptical Poet:

“I’m trending again now, and I need to keep up appearances. I exercise five times a day and I’ve converted to fruitarianism. I need my public to know how important they are to me. I’m only a shitty lover and friend, but I’m a great leading man. I’m so glad they revamped me for the modern generation but I’m not sure about all this bondage stuff. Gentlemen didn’t act that way in my day. I’m not really sure why they’ve changed my first name. Maybe it’s because Birds of a Feather makes Dorian sound a bit gay these days. And Christian is more fitting for an abusive cock, I suppose.”

We had to pause the interview for a moment as Dorian/Christian was given his medication.

“It’s great in this hotel, they bring my drugs right up to my room. They even inject them for me. I’d stay here again if it wasn’t for the shitty breakfasts and the fact that they watch me go the toilet.”

His speech got a little slurred at this point so we said our goodbyes and aborted the interview. As we left, our protagonist was quietly singing Anastasia’s ‘Left Outside Alone’, to himself.

Christian Grey was unavailable for comment as he was too busy sitting for a portrait.