Animal testing lab Anitech have revealed that due to years of testing on mice we now have a greater working knowledge of how to medically treat mice than we do human beings.

The company’s owner Dr Andy Drummond admitted that it might sound like unwelcome information to people who are ill, but for those with pet mice it was great news. He told a press conference:

“We admit that testing on mice to find out about humans is a bit hit and miss. But on the other hand we now know shitloads about mice. We could build a fully functional mouse hospital that would work so well that they would receive better health care than humans. They’d be pretty much immortal, we know that much about them.

“Obviously, thousands of mice died to get this knowledge, but that’s effectively how human medicine worked for thousands of years and nobody complained.”

Pet charities are working with Anitech lab to get a mouse hospital off the ground. Dr Drummond has suggested that making ill mice well again would be a great way to renew the ‘stock’ for animal testing labs. Unsurprisingly, this has provoked a backlash.

Meanwhile, some labs are closing down because there’s not much use for knowledge on how to put monkeys in space rockets.