A new #poppygate* erupted this week when heroin addict Phil from Scarborough revealed in a series of tweets that he finds remembrance poppies offensive.
“They’re an insult to heroin users,” he wrote. “Poppies are supposed to be about the processing of opium to get high, not getting maudlin about the dead.”
“When I think of poppies, I want to think of floating in the deep, blue abyss of comforting nothingness; not of old men from the British Legion sitting at a rickety table.”
Remembrance and WWII Veteran groups have responded angrily to Phil’s tweets, saying that he’s missed the point of what the poppy stands for.
“A poppy is about remembering the dead,” said Frank, a World War II veteran. “It’s about remembering history so that we don’t relive it.”
Phil responded by saying that:
“Every day is pretty much the same for me. There’s also quite a lot I’m unable to remember. I think my experience of poppies is quite different from Frank’s.”
Both sides of this debate have been attacked by internet group, ‘Poppies Glorify War Because They Only Remember One War, So Therefore That Means Everyone Who Wears Them Thinks Other Wars Are Fine, Even Though That Conclusion Doesn’t Actually Follow From The Premise, So Anyway Everyone Should Only Wear White Poppies Because That Means You Are Actually Being Seen In Public As Caring About All Wars And Being Seen As Caring About All Wars In Public Is More Important Than Actually Just Caring About All Wars In Your Head Or At Other Times of The Year Other Than The Eleventh of November, Which Poppy Wearers Tend to Do, Except for A Few Confused Nazis And TV Presenters Who Don’t Want to Get Told Off,‘ or: PGWBTOROWSTTMEWWTTOWAFETTCDAFFTPSAESOWWPBTMYAABSIPACAAWABSACAAWIPIMITAJCAAWIYHOAOTOTYOTTEONWPWTTDEFAFCNATPWDWTGTO for short.
Phil has responded to his detractors by wearing an actual opium poppy in public. However, he now has to deal with hate mail from Harold, a 90 year old morphine addict from Islington, London, who told BBC news this morning:
“These young junkies don’t know anything about real opium highs. The world needs to remember, lest we forget and repeat the mistakes of the past.”
David Cameron declined to comment.
*Yes, we used a hashtag and not even on Twitter. That’s how pretentious/ironic (choose your poison) we are. Got a problem? Start a hashtag: ##poppygategate. We might even respond with out own hashtag: ###poppygategategate. Then we’ll all passive-aggressively push everyone’s buttons until #pointlessemptyhashtagwars explodes in everyone’s keyboard warrior faces. That’s how it ends in miserable empty hashtag space. No-one knows who the bad guy is anymore, or if there ever was one in the first place. Ultimately, we will all be consumed by sadness and regret, blind to the knowledge that deep down we are more alike than we are different. C’mon guys, let’s just love one another. #weirdfootnote