Baby Annabel is a realistic baby shaped doll, marginally cheaper to maintain than a real baby. She comes with such features as the ability to drink water (and presumably piss it back out again, or else she’ll drown). She can also move her eyes and cry (maybe that’s how she doesn’t drown from all the water your toddler pours down her neck). And if she annoys you, you can shove her in the back of a cupboard or take her batteries out.

Every single accessory (and batteries) are of course sold separately, but you can, if you have a shitload of money to waste, purchase them from all good Annabel stockists. Accessories include nappies, dummies, feeding bottles, clothing, blankets, a bath and an iddy biddy sink to wash her in. Perhaps you wash her in her own piss and tears. Most of these Annabel add-ons you can get cheaper in Home Bargains if you’re thrifty, but they won’t be in quite the same shade of vile sickly pink.

Baby Annabel is a must for any little girl with no ambitions, no hope of a career and no imagination.

Baby Annabel, because all you’ll ever be is a mother.