An officer from the London metropolitan police force has issued a call for a ban on beards, saying it hinders his ability to racially profile.

PC John Simmonds told us:

“The current prevalence of beards makes it very difficult for me to racially profile random strangers in the street and to interrogate them. Making potential muslims uncomfortable is an essential part of my job, and it is hard to do that when every Tom, Dick and Harry has a forest on their face. Goatees are fine – I can still tell the colour of the skin – but every full beard over half an inch long is an issue. They should be banned outright unless it’s religious, especially massive ones.

“Only last week I accidentally interrogated a completely potentially innocent person with a beard and a backpack. If non-religious beards were banned, that wouldn’t happen at all. I would only be interrogating potential non-innocents with beards and backpacks.”

When we put it to PC Simmonds that everyone is potentially an innocent or a criminal, and that he was just being a massive fucking racist, he responded by saying:

“How can I be a racist if I don’t know what race someone is? You’re the one being racist. Against policemen. Come to think of it, that’s a mighty fine beard you’ve got there. What’s in the bag? Tape recorder? Likely story… I think it’s time for you to come down to the station, my lad.”

By George Hodan [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons