It would seem that being called a ‘luxury item’ has given the meagre tampon a superiority complex.

Checking into the executive suite at the London Hilton, Tammy Tampon was overheard snarling at the receptionist:

“Don’t you know who I am?”

“I’m the self nominated spokesperson for ‘ladies things’, and our voices will be heard,” she vowed when appearing on Question Time. “I’m a luxury item. I am superior. I am the queen of all sanitary products. I’m not even a rubbish Tesco make, I’m a Tampax Tampon”.

Tessa Tampon, a rubbish supermarket’s own brand tampon, was in the audience and was overhead sobbing to herself, “At least I’m not a sanitary pad.”

Despite the obvious sanitary hierarchy of ‘one string good, two wings bad’, Tammy Tampon has taken it upon herself to demand rights for all tampons and all pads. In a call to arms, she bellowed:

“We demand better shelf space in supermarkets. No more hiding us away. No more boys products to be placed nearby so that men can strategically pretend they’re not with their wife when she buys us. No more shoving us at the bottom of your bag or behind the spare toothpaste in your bathroom cabinet. We want pride of place next to the toilet roll, so we can be reached when needed. No more being second class hygiene products. No more fancy boxes aimed at disguising our true nature, because they don’t fool anyone anyway. No more phoney empowerment windsurfing adverts. No more. We are luxury items. Rise up, my dear sanitary friends. Stand up and claim your rightful place in lavish society.”