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This Month’s Horoscope: Scorpio

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Scorpio

Psychic Jess says:

This month you will be mostly wearing black, as that is all that the shops will sell. Everywhere you go, you will see lots of death-themed make up and fancy dress, like you’ve wandered into some ironic undertaker’s office. All sweets will suddenly have green goo in them and look like eyeballs or severed fingers. Friends will begin acting like they love being scared, even though they never forgave you for that one time you shouted ‘boo!’ at them while they were sleeping and they had to go to hospital. All the films at the cinema will be about fictional beings such as ghouls, werewolves and misogynist spies that somehow manage to attract women. Occasionally you will come across a small child in a hoodie asking for a ‘penny for the guy’, which will annoy you because he or she won’t have a guy, and it’s fucking October. You will also come across many television advertisements for Christmas, which will annoy you on an even deeper level, and may result in you having to buy a new television.

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