Naughty hackers have hit internet provider giants Talk Talk this week. Originally, it was feared that the hackers had accessed important stuff, like bank details, but today, it was confirmed that all the hackers actually wanted was the customers’ marital status.  Controversial dating website Ashley Madison have taken responsibility for the theft, admitting they infiltrated Talk Talk in a bid to find some new members after their last lot did a runner when their partners found out about their affairs.

“We’ve lost 50% of our clientele and new members are down 100%, so we are desperate. We had a brainstorming session and Sexy Dexy said it’d be ironic if we hacked someone else. We said it probably wasn’t ironic, so much as a bloody good idea, so we did it. We looked for accounts in joint names, Mr and Mrs So-and-So, etc. We weren’t really interested in the ones calling themselves Miss and we are most definitely not interested in the Ms’s as they’re all hairy legged lesbians. Not our target market at all. Our ladies all wear fishnets and shave.”

Talk Talk have apologised for their lack of security. In an exclusive interview, they told us:

“It’s not half term till next week, so our twelve year old website genius is still in school. He had too much homework, so didn’t have time to run a virus checker. We very much apologise for the security breach but we’re not under any circumstances prepared to hire grown ups, they simply cost too much money and they’re all out of touch with the latest Windows operating system. Whatever that is.”

If you are with Talk Talk, please change your password, if you can actually manage to log into their website that is. Or, alternatively, if you’re a bit frustrated and/or kinky and want Ashley Madison to spam your inbox, then good luck with that.