“This year’s theme is Childhood Heroes,” explained one of the show’s producers. “All the other stars came appropriately dressed. Terry Wogan came as Woody from Toy Story, Fearne Cotton came as Terry Wogan and Sophie Ellis Bextor came dressed as her mum. Then in rolled Pudsey, sozzled, two hours late and dressed in an offensive blue tracksuit.”
“Too soon,” said Wogan, as soon as he was lucid enough to realise what was going on.
Pudsey, real name Bernard, spoke to us exclusively from his hideaway in the Ecuadorian embassy in London:
“I was sitting in my dressing room, smoking a Hamlet cigar, when a frantic producer came rushing in. I was marched out of the building and told I was being replaced by a CGI bear.
“It took me ages getting the costume right as well. The first tracksuit I tried on was too small. The second one was too big, but this one was just right.
“I borrowed a nice blonde wig off my nana and found some lovely gold jewellery in Argos. My look was complete.
“I know my hero gets a lot of hatred directed at them, but nobody’s all bad are they? Live and let live, I say.
“It’s not like I went as Miley Cyrus or anything, and I thought most people wouldn’t remember anyway, but I think it was her best role.”