A small team of self-styled ‘ghostbusters’ are being sued by thousands of New York ghosts in the biggest lawsuit of its kind. The ghosts, currently residing in a large containment unit in the basement of the ghostbusters’ headquarters, are suing the ghostbusters for what they see as wrongful imprisonment. Their representative, Mr Slimer, the longest serving resident of the containment unit, spoke exclusively to the Sceptical Poet:

“It’s one of the biggest crimes against a particular ethnic group in the history of New York, if not America. I have been imprisoned here, without trial or due process, just like thousands of my fellow ghosts, for years – and for what? Stealing hotel food? Leaving a bit of ectoplasmic residue on the walls? What else could I do? I had nowhere else to go: I couldn’t go to my home, because an entire family of living people are squatting there. I’m effectively in prison for being dead and homeless. It’s obscene. And the conditions in here are terrible. It’s literally just a giant box full of ghosts. There’s no privacy, no windows, no phone calls, nothing. There’s not even any rooms: I’m sharing the same space as some genocidal maniac who used to live in a painting. The original traps they used to put us in here are even worse. They’re only a foot by a third of a foot long! They clearly violate our human rights. The ghostbusters are terrible human beings.”

Is there any chance you could reason with the ghostbusters?

“Good god, no. I haven’t even mentioned the racism yet. They dont refer to me as a human being, they call me a ‘focused non-terminal repeating phantasm’ or ‘a class five full roaming vapour’. What the actual fuck? And have you seen their logo? Clearly anti-ghost, and, let’s be honest, a bit Klu Klux Klan-y. What about their crimes? Public endangerment, unlicensed nuclear accelerators. The only guy who cared about our freedom during my entire incarceration was this one guy from environmental health, Walter Peck, and everyone treated him like an enemy. The guy was a hero!”

The lawsuit is progressing well, and Mr Slimer hopes to see some positive results before next year, when the staff at ghostbusters are planning a large changeover.

“I can’t wait to see them in prison. It’s upsetting to see how they parade around in their car like they’re firemen or policemen or something. They’re not public servants: they’re a public menace!”