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Police Admit They Are No Longer Able to Fight Crime

The police have handed in their truncheons. They have admitted that are no longer able to fight crime. They will work their one month’s notice and then they’re gone.

“We just don’t see the point in trying anymore,” said Constable Copperpot from New Scotland Yard.

“There’s absolutely no evidence that can’t be faked with the cheapest of software, so why bother. We’re just going to toss a coin instead. Councils are going to issue a coin to all households, with ‘guilty’ written on one side and ‘innocent’ on the other. We’re going to let the victims and their family toss the coin in the air and just see what happens.”

This bold decision wasn’t taken lightly by police forces. It comes after years and years of inadmissible evidence and botched court cases.

“Evidence such as polygraphs and eye witness accounts have always been notoriously unreliable but now we find ourselves up against photoshop and cut ‘n’ slice movie and audio footage that any old chimp can do, on any old smartphone,” explained Copperpot.

“And as for fingerprints, well almost everybody’s seen Seven and absolutely everyone in the known universe has seen an episode of CSI so knows how to frame someone with fingerprints, or by stealing their DNA from a hairbrush.”


“If every piece of evidence can be forged by anyone with half a brain, then how can we allow it in court rooms as evidence. We can’t. Plain and simple, we give up. Stick a fork in us, we’re done.”

So readers, if you are thinking of committing a crime in the near future, please bear in mind that as of next month, your fate will be decided by a coin, rather than your gender, age, race or social standing. Time your crime accordingly.

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