Spurred on by Richard Gere’s recent epiphany, homeless man Scabby Adams decided to see if he could live like the more monied for a day. “I had nothing else to do,” he said. “And the novelty of being homeless had worn off.”

Scabby was often told that he had movie star looks before he turned scabby, so he decided to see if it was true. He washed, shaved, borrowed a tux and snuck into the latest James Bond premier. He’d seen Jumpin’ Jack Flash back when he had a home so he knew all about how to blend in at a classy event.

Scabby had his picture taken with the Kardashian brother, whatever his name is, it probably begins with a K. He drank pink champagne, slept with a few drunk girls who thought he was in the movie, snorted some coke rolled up in hundred dollar bills off a prostitute’s arse, got a facelift till he was unrecognisable, passed out in the back of a limo and got arrested, like a pro.

“I don’t envy the rich and famous,” he said. “They’re all miserable arseholes. Most of the women look like plastic aliens and the men have got to talk to the likes of Paris Hilton. Champagne is horrible. Give me Scrumpy Jack and Vera from shelter any day. I really don’t think I could sit through yet another shite Bond film with a godawful soundtrack. Shove your fame up your arse, I’m going back under the bridge.”

During his adventure, no-one noticed Scabby was a homeless man in disguise. Scabby now appreciates what he has and how some poor unfortunate people have to live their lives.