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Government Announce New Plans to Scrap Sleep

The government have this morning released a statement announcing plans to eradicate sleep.

“Starting next year, everyone of working age will be required by law to take the new anti-sleeping pill. Anyone refusing to take the pill will be sanctioned and given the pill anally,” said the prime minister.

“Refusal to take the drug will result in a criminal record and a six week sanctioning of either your wages, or your benefits.”

“We are all in this together, and the only way to truly achieve austerity is for everyone to work twice as hard for less money,” added the deputy prime minister. “This will be easier to achieve if sleep is removed, making the working day twice as long.”

The 47-page statement outlines all the ways in which the new spare time is to be utilised, and adds:

“Each person will be issued with two hours sleep for their birthday and at the start of each year. The rich will be allowed to purchase pieces of sleep but the sleep will be non-transferable.”

The statement ends by asserting that the new 24 hour lifestyle is non-negotiable.


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