The leader of the Liberal Democrats has said that if he was Prime Minister he would press any button the public wanted him to: red, blue, yellow, whatever.
Following David Cameron’s “I would definitely press the red button” response to Jeremy Corbyn’s non-nuclear stance, Tim Farron (yes, we had to look him up), clearly not wanting to lose out on the ‘willingness to mass murder’ vote, immediately issued a statement:
“On behalf of the Liberal Democrats, I would like to say that I would definitely press the red button. Or blue. Or yellow. Whatever colour it is. As long as it kills lots of people, I would press it. I would press an oversize button. Or more than one button. I would press all the buttons, everywhere, and love every minute of it. If Iran needs a button presser, the Lib Dems will be there. If it turns out it’s not actually a button, and that it’s just a metaphor, I’ll do whatever it actually is in reality. The Lib Dems are still players.”
Old school Lib Dem supporters are appalled at Farron’s stance, but some of the newer pro-modernist members are in agreement with Farron:
“What could be more liberal than accepting the possibility that civilian annihilation is a moral thing to do? What could be more democratic than extending the fear of death to as many country’s citizens as possible? This is the world we live in, and the more people willing to press the button, the safer we’ll be,” said Jane, a nuclear button manufacturer from Plymouth.
“It’s like hungry hippos,” said 12-year-old James of Liverpool. “If everyone’s trying to eat all the marbles at once, then no one gets any marbles. If one hippo suddenly stops, then everyone else gets the marbles. Britain needs marbles.”
And Cliff of Hartlepool said, “Mutually Assured Destruction is an established example of what works. It’s like everyone in America owning guns. It actually makes everyone safer because everyone’s scared to use their gun in case they get shot. Ok, occasionally someone fires a gun a couple of times, but then they get shot and everyone goes back to being scared. Yes, people may say it happens a lot, not just occasionally, but I say: there’s more people in America, so there’s more mistakes, it’s just statistics. If Britain was huge and full of guns, they’d have the same problems. I mean… Yeah, I’m not sure I’m as convinced about this as when I started speaking, to be honest. Nuclear bombs kill quite a lot of people don’t they?”
The Telegraph and the Mail are reportedly thinking of backing the Lib Dems if the pig and dick fiasco hasn’t calmed down by Christmas.