The Daily Mail are furious at the news that they now have to deliver their newspapers to shops in plastic bags so that they don’t get wet.
“It’s ridiculous,” said their top reporter, Daily Mail Reporter. “Do you know how expensive they are? 5p a bag! We’ll be broke. And what’s more, there’ll be chaos. Chaos! There’ll be plastic bags floating about the British streets at 6am every morning, blinding cyclists and choking British pigeons.”
The Telegraph and the Mirror have also been hit by the draconian move, and all three papers are calling for a boycott of the bags.
“Wet newspapers never hurt anyone,” said the man from the Mirror. “It’s as British as fish and chips and borderline paedophilia websites like the Mail Online. I mean, 5p a bag. 5p a bag. 5p! A bag!”
“5p for a plastic bag?” said the Telegraph. “FIVE PENCE? FIVE FUCKING PENCE??”
All three papers are due to increase their price by five pence starting next week.