The Naked Chef Jamie Oliver is so fed up with what he calls “the state of modern living” that he has vowed one step at a time to “clean up this god forsaken country”.

Spurred on by the success of his school dinners campaign, Oliver has decided to move into the adult industry.

“I’ve fixed all of the problems with school and education in general. Now I’m going to fix the grown-up issues too. And once I’ve fixed them, I’m going to sort out the UK’s fat pets problem.”

The Oliver’s Army project starts later this month and will run until all public lavatories have recycled toilet paper and organic soap. Urinals will be painted green, and fresh air will be pumped into cubicles.

“Green and fresh is the best” says Jamie.

When asked why he cares about the nation’s loos, he replied: “Well, if everyone’s going to have a five-a-day habit, they need somewhere to decent to dispose of their evidence, don’t they?

“And then, after I’ve sorted out the public loo situation, I’ll move on to the nation’s diets in general. I’m starting from the bottom up so to speak.”

Speaking of the future for Oliver’s Army, Jamie said, “Channel 5 have been after me for a while now. They have been keen for me to fix the UK’s fat pets situation. I haven’t been in the media much lately, so I may as well jump ship to a rival channel and get some extra wonga.”

He added: “Plus, I need all the money I can get my tiny little hands on to fund my new venture, ‘Grow Your Own Pukka’.”

Jamie Oliver’s new book ‘Grow Your Own Pukka’ is available in all good bookshops now, or alternatively you could wait three months and get it for 50p from The Works.