Tony Blair’s children are to give a joint speech on Wednesday in which they are expected to apologise on behalf of their family for their father’s behaviour while prime minister of the UK.

They will assure the country that, “They will never make the same mistake again.”

A leaked excerpt of the speech obtained by The Sceptical Poet reads:

“We would like to apologise unreservedly for the existence of our father, Tony Blair. During his terms as Prime Minister, he showed a rank disregard for the principles and values of the labour party, and created a soulless culture of spin that still pervades to this day. And he’s a cockhead.

“More importantly, he took the country into an illegal and disastrous war in Iraq. We believe this is partly our fault for letting him out of the house, and we hereby promise to never make that mistake again. His behaviour in office was unacceptable. And he’s a cockhead.”

The speech ends with a promise to only allow Tony out as far as the corner shop. He will especially never be allowed to do any after dinner speeches, even at home.