The new ‘Church of Doctor Who’ religion, started last month by a fan in Cardiff, has collapsed into chaos after actor Peter Capaldi signed an autograph for its founder as the thirteenth Doctor.
“Peter Capaldi is not the thirteenth Doctor,” fumed the Church’s founder James Hartnell (name changed by deedpoll), “He is the twelfth. Matt Smith is the eleventh, so Capaldi is the twelfth. This is simple fact. I don’t care what Capaldi says.”
Sadly for James and his new religion, not everyone in his flock agrees.
“Capaldi is the thirteenth Doctor,” said Jules Hartnell, co-founder of the Church and James’s newly estranged wife. “It is stated in the 50th anniversary special and is therefore part of the official canon. When John Hurt became the new eighth Doctor, Capaldi became the thirteenth.”
James became extremely angry when we passed on Jules’s comments to him:
“Hurt doesn’t count! How many times do I have to say this: he’s apocryphal. He messes up our religion’s narrative and can therefore fuck off!”
Jules now currently runs the ‘Protestant Church of Doctor Who’, but both her and James are struggling to recruit members after rebels from both religions have set up even more rival faiths.
Zac, once a member of both religions, now runs the ‘Church of Moffat’ in honour of Doctor Who’s showrunner Steven Moffat:
“The word of Moffat is law. All previous theologies are replaced by his. Capaldi is not the twelfth or the thirteenth Doctor, but the fourteenth, because the tenth Doctor regenerated twice because of some ridiculous incident with a hand in a jar.”
Zac has to share a rented office with the ‘Church of Davis’, which refuses to accept any of the show since Russel T. Davis left. Zac is genuinely worried that this might turn violent.
Both churches are apparently also forced to use the same mailbox as the ‘Church of the Parallel Resurrection’, which worships the alternate version of the tenth Doctor created in the episode Journey’s End, and whom now exists in a parallel universe. Their official bible is made up entirely of fan fiction involving the tenth Doctor and his companion Rose having sex, and there is usually no room left in the mailbox for either of the other two religions.
All of the previous mentioned religions are however rejected by the newest Doctor Who religion on the block, the ‘Church of the Holy New Regeneration Cycle’, which refers to Capaldi as the 2:1 Doctor. Founder John Hartnell (newly estranged son of James and Jules) told us:
“Our religion replaces any previous doctrine. It is based on the new regeneration cycle that started with Capaldi’s Doctor, and creates a new lore, so previous continuity errors no longer apply.”
John’s church is rejected by all of its parent religions as blasphemous.
“You can’t just pick and choose which bits of Doctor Who you prefer,” said Zac. “It’s all part of the lore and it has to be all accepted even when it doesn’t make any sense. John is just a mainstream fan. He’s not a true Whovian. The word of the Doctor does not flow through his veins.”
If this all sounds confusing, it is.
Sadly for followers of James’s original church, it looks like it truly is over. Before we left James’s flat/church, we asked him where Peter Cushing’s Doctor fitted into all of this, and our journalist was violently attacked with a replica cyberman helmet. James is currently awaiting trial.