World famous ‘secret’ superspy James Bond has been murdered by a hail of gunfire in a Monte Carlo casino.
Onlookers report a well-dressed man ordering a drink at the bar, before introducing himself to a nearby woman by saying, “The name’s Bond, James Bond’. At this point, all hell broke loose, with several customers in the casino pulling out guns and shooting the surprised spy.
“I knew trouble was brewing when I heard him ordering a vodka martini, shaken not stirred,” said Vladimir Kotscheck, a regular at the casino. “That drink is blacklisted in every casino across the world. Everyone knows who drinks it. As soon as he ordered that, the barman immediately pressed the panic button but it was too late.”
“When he said his name to the lady at the bar, everyone in the room just went quiet,” said waiter Carlos. “There was a young, suave psycopathic guy; he shouted something about Bond stopping his father’s plan to take over the world. I think he was holding a grudge. Then this vaguely Russian-looking guy accused Bond of killing his brother by throwing him out of a plane without a parachute. Then this fat guy who looked like he was probably a corrupt businessman started crying, saying Bond had sex with his mother, his sister and his wife all in the space of one night! That was when the guns started appearing and everyone began screaming and diving for cover. It was terrifying.”
“What kind of spy introduces themselves by their real name everywhere they go?” said Maria Schlavovia, one of the casino’s croupiers. “It’s completely the opposite of doing his job. Everybody knows him. Nothing he does is secret. He must have genuinely been the worst spy in the world.”
Police reports on the incident are contradictory. While almost everyone claims to have seen Bond’s dead body, no corpse appears to have been found at the scene. Some eyewitness accounts claim to have seen a bizarre flash of light, followed by a completely different person wearing Bond’s bloodspattered clothes fleeing the scene. One eyewitness also claims to have seen him enter a bizarre old-fashioned English police box, but this is unconfirmed.
He does not seem to be missed by those who knew him:
“It’s no loss,” said Floella Moneypenny, who worked with him. “Not only was he a shit spy, but he could never remember my first name and he was a sexist arsehole.”