Early this week the writer of an online satirical newspaper found his holiday soured by the sudden occurrence of exactly the kind of news he wished had happened two days before.
The unnamed writer (we’ll call him Geoff) had been enjoying a week away from taking the piss out of things behind the safety of a keyboard, when the event of his short and pointless career happened.
“All the week’s stories were queued up ready to go,” he told The Sceptical Poet. “I was on a wife-imposed computer ban, and it was kind of a relief to not have to respond to the news every five minutes. Obviously, there was nothing going out that was completely topical, but I figured nothing much would happen in the space of a week.”
He couldn’t have been more wrong.
“How could I have known?” Geoff told us despairingly from behind his hands.
“The Prime Minister stuck his penis in a dead pig’s head. The Prime Minister. His penis. A pig’s head. It practically writes itself. Something like this comes along once in a million years. I could have written reams of stuff. Think of the puns alone: David Hameron; Can the PM save his political bacon; ooh, can David pork his way out of this one? That’s all I’ve got right now, but given time there’d have been more. It would have been glorious.”
At this point, Geoff paused for a large swig of whiskey.
“I’ll be honest, the site’s new. We can’t hope to compete with the major fake news sites like the Onion or SkyNews. But this could have been our saviour. We could have had articles coming out of our ears. Likes and Shares galore! The potential titles speak for themselves. Titles like:
“Price of Bacon Inexplicably Drops.
“Kermit in Despair at Discovering the Real Reason for His Separation from Miss Piggy.
“Lord Ashdown Reveals in His Memoirs that Nick Clegg used to be A Pig.
“David Cameron Once Fucked A Pig.
“A Pig Was Once Fucked by David Cameron.
“Fucked, A Pig, by David Cameron.
“Cameron, Pig, by, David, A, Fucked.
“It’s just pure shitty luck. Pure unadulterated, shitty luck. We could have been great for one week, but the ship has sailed. By next week people will have forgotten all about it and Corbyn will be fired for looking scruffy or being democratically elected.
“I’m never going on holiday again.”
Geoff is still currently on holiday and hopes no more revelations happen while he is away.