The UK has been rocked by a rugby-snubbing socialist who had the gall to accept a pay rise after he was promoted. There’s a rumour that he also accepted a company car, has started wearing a tie occasionally and snubbed the Queen.

“This is on par with the time the Manic Street Preachers took their own portaloo to Glastonbury,” said Neil from Warrington.

While Brenda from Newton le Willows said: “These phoney socialists sell out the second they get a chance. They forget their roots. Sit up in their penthouses and look down on us normal folk. It’s a disgrace. He should be doing a crap job for crap money, it’s the only way to have socialist street cred.”

“It’s ridiculous,” said Ed from Wigan. “What’s he doing accepting money? I hated him before he took the job, cos he had principles and all that. Now he’s just doing what I would do, and I hate him for doing that. Cos I hate him. Or me. One of them. Either way, first he was too socialist, now he’s not socialist enough. He didn’t even sing our national anthem. Or does that make him more socialist? I’m a bit confused. Why am I angry at him again?”

Whilst we were all too busy being distracted by these nonsense stories and blame and shame, the Ekids have taken over the world.

I hope you’re all proud of yourselves.