US government officials did a massive u-turn this week and abolished the death penalty entirely.

President Barack Obama, who turned up to the press conference in a tracksuit and refused to sing the national anthem (the bastard), has issued the following statement:

“We can only apologise that it’s taken us so long, but we can confirm we have now come to our senses. The practice has been outlawed in all however many states we have these days. From now on, it is to be considered vile and barbaric. And we’re very, very sorry to the families of the prisoners we’ve already put down like rabid dogs.”

Numerous studies over the years have shown that the death penalty does not act as a deterrent and isn’t really the kind of thing a civilised society should be doing anyhow.

When asked if they were going to stop trying children as adults while they were at it, the president replied, “One day at a time, eh?”

Celebrity activist Susan Sarandon posted a clip of herself on You Tube doing Numfar’s Dance of Joy in celebration.

Unfortunately, not everybody felt this way. Some pro-death campaigners have argued that this new law is just one step away from chaos.

“Next they’ll be banning guns. This government is stripping away my right to be an asshole. I’m not happy one little bit.”

As a result of this surprising u-turn, the Death Row Diner franchise has been forced to change its name to the Life Without Parole Bar and Grill… which isn’t quite as catchy.