The new iPad 6 and 3/4 was launched yesterday amid a storm of controversy.

“It’s either a very clever publicity stunt, or it’s an utter piss take,” said Mark Lucas, the first in line at the grand unveil in Clapham. “I’ve been waiting in this queue for days. I’ve pulled a sickie with work and slept in the gutter.”

The lovely people at Apple have released a statement confirming that the new iPad is “Absolutely worth the extra money. It comes in many new contemporary limited edition colours such as rainbow striped and Swarovski sparkle and if you don’t have one, you’re a meff.”

Apple bosses admit they have gone “back to basics” for a more “traditional” feel for the new iPad.

We at thescepticalpoet.com have managed to get our hands on one in the basic ‘waxed pine shade’ colour, and here’s what we think:

It’s remarkably light, so it’s easy to carry in your handbag or manbag. There’s a slot at the side for your ‘Apple ichalk’. You get one white chalk free. Other colours are available online, of course.

Superficially, it is beautiful. It’s black board is encased in a lovely waxed pine shade and is very simple to use.  No instructions are required, even your granny could use it. There’s no time wasted connecting to the internet or loading time-consuming apps: just scribble and go.

It’s available on pay and go, or you can upgrade to contract if you prefer. You’ll get a free cover and extended guarantee if you do this, so it’s well worth the extra money.

Quite frankly, we’re not sure how we’ve lived this long without one.