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David Cameron Warns UK that Father Christmas is a Threat to National Security


Prime Minister David Cameron has angered seasonal holiday apologists with a tweet accusing Father Christmas of being a threat to national security.

The full tweet, now removed and replaced with a voter-friendly anti-Europe rant, reads:

Father Christmas is a threat to our national security, our economic security and your family’s security.

Twitter users were quick to respond to the PM’s paranoid character assassination of Santa with tweets of their own:

Quick, lock up your chimneys! Santa might leave you a gift and teach you the illegal socialist art of kindness. @JohnChristmas

I always knew Father Christmas was a thief, despite leaving me presents. I’ve lost £500 in brandy and mince pies over the years. @spacemonkeyone

Well he is very good at breaking and entering. Despite the contemporary lack of chimneys. @scepticpoet

Accused of paranoia and scaremongering during Prime Minister’s Questions, Cameron responded:

“Father Christmas has always maintained a policy of complete removal of all the world’s immigration borders. He thinks it’s okay to travel any and everywhere he feels like, ignoring local traffic laws and setting up gift banks in people’s homes. This dispersal of free gifts will lead to a complete and utter collapse of our economy. His attitude to home security is just shocking. If Father Christmas remains as the leader of Christmas, it will be the end of British society.”

Father Christmas has yet to respond on Twitter as apparently no-one has ever bought him a present let alone a smartphone or a computer. However, an elf representative of his communistic slave-workforce issued a statement:

“This is just typical Tory propaganda. They know they’ve lost. People today don’t want austerity, they want jingle all the way: they want snow, baubles and the unfettered giving and receiving of gifts. This is the start of a new era.”

The elves also announced a shake up of the Christmas cabinet, with a new dedicated Minister for Lists, who will determine who is naughty or nice.

When asked by a back bencher at PM’s Questions if he thought it was too early to be banging on about Christmas, Cameron responded:

“Not at all. Shops have been selling Christmas propaganda since at least June. At least they work all year round, unlike Saint Nicolas himself who only does one day a year. It’s a disgrace. Did I tell you he’s also an immigrant?”

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