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New Study Proves Once and For All What Men and Women Are Attracted To

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A long term interdisciplinary study into the mating habits of human beings has finally revealed what men and women look for in the opposite sex.

 The survey discovered that there are only three things which men and women are actually attracted to: –

“First on the list is vocal chords. This allows men and women to have conversations and to communicate their needs and wishes to each other. Without this we would all sit in our flats surrounded by piss and die. This is not conducive to a healthy sexual relationship, and so we have evolved to find vocal chords attractive. The more prominent the better. This is also the reason people like singing and find singers attractive, yet hit the skip button on an album when an instrumental track comes on.

 “Number two is opposable thumbs. Without opposable thumbs, a partner is most likely going to accidentally kill themselves one day, especially when handling sharp objects. They also won’t be able to open doors or pick up and eat food. Humans have evolved an attraction to opposable thumbs because those who liked people without them tended not to find a mate who would live long enough to pass on their genes with them. In the modern world, condoms would also be a problem for the thumbless, but that would actually result in an increased frequency of people without opposable thumbs further down the line.

 “Number three is a working heart. Everybody needs a heart to live, and if someone doesn’t have a heart, then that means they’re probably dead and are not going to be much use in helping to propagate the human race. All of human culture has elevated the heart as the most romantic of human organs, especially in literature and songs, where phrases such as ‘my heart beats for you’ and ‘you have broken my heart’ are overused to the point of meaninglessness. But now we know that it is not just a cliché. Men and women literally find hearts attractive, specifically outward physical signs that they are working properly, such as flushed skin, bodily movement and a pulse.”

 The findings have proved controversial among scientists who make a living out of publishing half-baked ‘what men/women want’ studies.

 Dr Kirsty Anderson of the online university Education.com, still maintains the plausibility of her theory that men like curvy bodies because they remind them of the curve of the woman’s forefinger, probably because in caveman times it meant they were better at using a bow to bring down mammoths.

 And independent scientist Dr Neil Harpenson says the findings do not contradict his controversial ‘wet ape’ theory, that men and women are attracted to those physical attributes conducive to good swimming skills. “In cavemen times, those of us who swam the fastest could get away from predators more easily, and were therefore more likely to pass on their swimming genes. So we’ve evolved to be attracted to large upper bodies and hairless physiques.”

 Women’s magazines across the world are also in uproar. A spokesman for Neapolitan said:

 “Men want women who look like an anorexic sports car with overlarge bumpers, while women want men who can afford sports cars with overlarge bumpers. This is an established fact, and no amount of sciencing can change that.”

 The authors of the study stand by their work.

 

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