So desperate are the NHS to cut spending, that traditional psychiatric therapy will soon be replaced by retail therapy.
The reasoning behind the move is that it will encourage people to spend more money, which in turn will boost the economy and hopefully the NHS itself.
There are some fears that this may increase personal debt, but banks have said they are willing to offer larger overdrafts to compensate, so all’s well that ends well.
An NHS big wig was overheard saying:
“It costs us an arm and a leg putting people into mainstream therapy, which only has a fifty percent success rate. Retail therapy has a whopping ninety-eight percent success rate and it doesn’t cost us a penny. All we do is tell them which bus gets them closest to the outlet village and Bob’s your uncle.”
Large retailers are said to be so excited by the new plans that they pissed their pants with delight. The owner of Marks & Spencer has already booked her round the world cruise on the back of the projected profits.
Finally, not one to keep his gob shut, Morrissey has announced plans to re-release ‘Shop Lifters of the World Unite’.