A study investigating the decline in bee numbers has discovered that they don’t technically exist and are in fact just fat wasps.
The study followed several ‘bee’ colonies for five years. In that time, most of the bees mysteriously lost weight and joined wasp nests.
“It’s incredible,” says main study author Dr John Banks, “Everyone thought the decline in bees was due to colony collapse disorder, or pesticides. Turns out there are just less fat wasps than there used to be. What we think happens is that some wasps get a taste for nectar, then get so fat they can’t make it back to the nest. Beehives are basically just groups of fat wasps camping near convenient flowers.”
The discovery is reminiscent of the controversy in palaeontology when it was discovered that Torosaurus was really just an adult Triceratops. There are concerns that scientists may have misclassified many other creatures. David Bellamy, who’s been out of the news for a bit, said:
“What if butterflies are just posh moths? What if snakes are weightlifting worms? What if flowers are grass wearing a hat?”
When asked why wasps were now losing weight, Dr Banks said, “We’re not sure. It could be peer pressure. Most insects are skinny. Or it could be that instead of a bee shortage, there’s a flower shortage, in which case the human race is still fucked. But, you know, whatever will bee will bee.”
Following the study, Kellogg’s have controversially announced plans to start using size zero wasp models in their Sugar Puffs advertising. The honey monster was unavailable for comment.