The government is to rush out an emergency guide to teenage slang, for parents worried about the recent revelations of contemporary teenage behaviour.

In the last few weeks, there have been several horror stories about the risky behaviour of teenagers. This guide, compiled by several teenage experts, aims to demystify the codes used by teenagers on social network sites and in other scenarios, in order to make parents aware of what their children are up to, so they can help them.

Perhaps the hardest things for parents to keep up with are abbreviations. Here are some examples from the guide: –

OMTOEC – this stands for ‘off my tits on e-cigs’. Teenagers are getting much bigger highs from electronic cigarettes than they used to, because of their new ‘cool’ status. If you’re worried about that your teenager may be secretly vaping, then this is the abbreviation to listen out for.

DAC – this stands for ‘done a Corbyn’. It means that your son or daughter has gotten themselves accidentally held up as a socialist hero. This could be dangerous for your child in a capitalist environment. Government advice in this scenario is to call the police.

SHITWOD – ‘shitting hell, I’m totally wasted on drugs’. Self-explanatory.

Hashtags are also explained in the guide. They are not the same as pretend inverted commas, and do not denote sarcasm. If your teenager says the word ‘hashtag’ before something, then it means they are involved in some kind of dangerous ‘trending’ group activity. ‘Hashtag: whatever’ is the worst thing they could say: this denotes terrorist activity and you should get out of the house immediately.

Phrases warned against in the book include:

‘Millibanding it about’ – this means they are having risky politician sex, probably involving an orange or toe-sucking. Therapy is advised for these teenagers.

The phrase ‘I’m reading a book’ receives the biggest warning of all. It means they’re learning more than you and you need to stop them immediately.