Norman ‘Mr Literal’ White bet his friends that he could woo Miss Piggy now that she’s single and if he couldn’t, he’d eat his own hat.
Mr White sobbed uncontrollably when he realised that Miss Piggy was not the woman down the cake shop as he’d thought, but was in fact a felt puppet and not his type at all.
”I’m such a dumb ass,” he said as he turned on the webcam so everyone could see him chomp on his favourite panama.
He munched away until there was nothing left, stopping only once to make a joke about that man who ate the Eiffel Tower that time.
Afterwards, he was taken to hospital to have his stomach pumped but to no avail.
At his funeral three days later, friends recounted some of Norman’s other ‘literal’ exploits.
”I remember a time,” said one mourner Martin, “When I told him my dog had kicked the bucket and he told me it was my own fault for leaving it where the dog could trip on it.”
”Once,” said Mary, his best friend, ”He went to buy a horse from a local farmer because I told him I was so hungry I could eat a horse. It’s still in my yard, actually. Anyone want a horse?”
Another friend said, ”I once remarked in passing that there was nothing worse than that fine rain that really gets you wet. Norman instantly pointed out forty seven things that were worse. Then I felt awful.”
Mr Literal and atheist Norman White, was buried yesterday to the tune of ‘Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door’. ”Just because we could,” said friend Martin with a glint in his eye.