A survey published this week revealed internet trolls as the British public’s top pet. Colin Marsden of the Pet Research Institute, said:

“I’m not surprised. In the internet age, people don’t want to clean and feed real flesh-and-blood animals such as cats, dogs or children. Trolls are ideal for those with short attention spans and a limited regard for their actual surroundings.”

Troll carer, Julie Day, agrees:

“They don’t shit everywhere (well, they might, but they live in a different house so it’s somebody else’s problem) and they’re cheap. Why spend £15 a week on food for your cat to ignore, when for the price of broadband you can have unlimited arguments with someone whose pasty face you’ll never have to look at? My favourite troll is cuntfishjoe24. All he asks is that I rise to his nakedly antagonistic comments with angry ripostes at least once a week and he’s happy. I don’t even have to come up with new ones. He’s always online, too. He probably has no immune system and can’t leave his house. I try not to think about it. Like the smell coming from my cat’s bed.”

Dog breeding groups dismissed the findings. A Dogs4Life spokesman, said:

“We still have the monopoly in areas with high levels of burglary and a low police presence. With the Tories, that will be pretty much everywhere by 2016.”

Inevitably, people are cashing in. The Tamagotchi creators are working on a version that randomly shouts abuse to passers-by. The more you argue with it, the bigger it grows. And the man behind the ‘pet rock’ craze has taken his innovation to the next level by hiding under bridges and throwing bricks at strangers.