Following increased speculation that the rise in the US minimum wage could result in McDonald’s replacing its workers with robots, its staff respond with inappropriate enthusiasm.
Jamie Burgman said, “How cool would that be? It would be like living in the Terminator universe. Except instead of evil military robots run by an implacable intelligence, it would be lots of friendly burger-flipping robots with cute names. At the very least, it would make up for the shittiness of the last three sequels.”
His colleague Brenda Manburg agreed. “Money is good and everything, but my job eats away at my soul so much that I once tried to put my head into the deep fat fryer. Oh, to be an emotionless robot, able to churn away at repetitive tasks for hours and not get the urge to die. That is evolution at its best.”
“The robots would do a better job, and cry less,” said their boss, Burgen Burgson, who has already been replaced with a robot, or at least seems that way. “We’ll save a fortune in tissues, and robots don’t even have any other bodily fluids that can be put into the batter mix when I’m not looking.”
When asked whether there were any real plans to go ahead with the mechanisation of the McDonald’s workforce, McDonald’s CEO Burger McFuckburger said, “I’d happily mechanise the cow if I thought I could make more money. It doesn’t matter what I do, because I’m rich as fuck and can get away with anything I want. But probably, yeah. Do you want fries with that?”
No word yet on Burger King, as no-one goes in them these days.