“If the wind changes, you’ll stick like that.”
Did your mother ever tell you that, as you were gurning at a passer-by through a bus window?
Well, heed the warning folks, she may have been right. Last night, in some dingy northern backwater, unimportant pleb Colin Lawrence was returning home from the pub when a seagull shat on him. Unfortunately for him, just as he was scrunching up his face in horror, a great gust of wind appeared out of nowhere and Colin’s face ‘stuck like that’.
Colin, who once watched that Billy Connolly film, is now thinking of suing God.
It took us a while, but when we finally tracked God down he told us Colin would have more luck suing the seagull. “The wind is no longer my department,” he said. “I privatised it years ago.”
Steven Seagull said, “It’s not my fault. I ate some dodgy vomit and it went right through me. He should sue God for my pathetic excuse of a digestive system.”
God said: “Screw you all, I’m suing Billy Connolly.”
Colin has now started up a group for survivors who have befallen the same affliction, called POW (people opposed to wind). The group is growing steadily and now has three members, though one is suspected to be the local gurning champion.
It comes as a double blow that Colin is a head model for Specsavers. He now fears he’ll lose his job as the glasses just won’t stay on his face anymore.