In their latest extreme cost-cutting measure, the Conservative government has privatised the royal family. In the shock move, Endemol became the highest bidders, outbidding Disney and Marvel. They released a statement in the early hours of this morning:

“As of ten o’clock last night, we now own the rights to the royal family. We will be dismantling our current Big Brother set and shall start filming the new series of the show at Buckingham Palace in September. It promises to be our most electrifying series yet.”

Leaked emails suggest that the Queen, the Duke of Edinburgh and their various children and grandchildren will all be in the show. Pundits are reckoning on tension between Charles and the Queen as the dramatic underpinning of the show, while Prince Harry’s antics should provide much needed light relief. One email hinted that a commoner will be entering the Big Brother Palace halfway through the series ‘to shake things up’. It is unknown whether the corgis will feature.

One staffer from Endemol admitted, “It’s going to cost a fortune in cameras, what with all those rooms. It will be worth it though. Who knows what the staff secretly get up to in those rooms? So far, legally nothing, obviously.”

Opponents of the government’s austerity measures apparently couldn’t care less, as they tend not to be fans of the royal family either.

“It’s kind of a win-win really,” said a Lib Dem MP we couldn’t be bothered to find out the name of. “We lose the monarchy as a burden on the tax payer, and the government save some money. We need more of this kind of thing.”

We tried to ask Big Brother fans what they thought of the planned changes, but we couldn’t find any.